What began as recreational use of opiates quickly became an integral part of my life. I felt self-medicating was justified in order to (1) assuage the symptoms of major depressive disorder, (2) drive away my social inhibitions, (3) reduce my medical expenses by skipping the doctor visits, and (4) most importantly, bring about that euphoric, seemingly insupressible good mood. This was particularly true during my online pharmacy phase, during which I discovered many pharmacies across the globe which were more than happy to have another paying customer for prescription drugs of virtually any variety.
Some years before, I had become a fan of grey-market, controversial books from publishers like Paladin Press and Loompanics: books on subjects like growing mushrooms, creating new identities, moving abroad, concealing drugs, and what was now one of my favorite subjects and activities: using the global network of dropshipping online pharmacies. I eventually accumulated quite a collection of such books and catalogs. I knew my name and address must have been making it onto various law enforcement watchlists; however, I was certain they’d spend their time on more serious activity. All I am really doing, my flawed reasoning told me at the time, is saving money through DIY diagnosing, prescribing, and medicating. It’s all good!
I was quickly reminded that mixing opiate-based prescription drugs with some of my other favorite mood-adjusters was far more enjoyable than limiting myself to the played-out combination of opiates and alcohol. With a mixture of opioids, amphetamines (usually methylphenidate), benzos (alprazolam, diazepam, clonazepam), and muscle relaxers (chiefly Soma®) I could achieve a state of bliss in which I felt virtually unstoppable. What had been introversion changed to a more enjoyable extroversion; where I had been fearful of calling web development prospects to close sales, I became confident and skillful; what had been depressive lethargy and sloth were transformed into vibrant enthusiasm for all sorts of work and research on web development, search engine optimization, and other subjects that interested me.
But opiates are a short-lived fix. The ongoing use of opiates to achieve the desired attitude adjustment is ultimately an unsustainable solution; I proved this to myself repeatedly and with great pain. Over time, chasing the ephemeral effects of opiates caused more problems than I had before I started taking them.